Things They Won't Let Me Do Anymore
Or try to discourage me from doing.
James A. Huizenga
2014
On the event of my last birthday, I got to thinking back over some of my 62 years of experiences. Can't say that I remember more than about 18 of them since I'm never gonna grow up. So many of the fun things I remember are just not considered proper for an "adult" to do, but why should kids have all the fun?
"They", in my reminiscing, refers to one or a combination of several things---my neighbors, the local constabulary, my wife and son, my aging body -- but mostly gravity.
Running through the lawn sprinklers naked--
I don't remember ever doing this, but Mom must have let me do it when I was little. I'm sure it was probably considered "cute" by any observers, and I'm also sure I was doing it for plain old creature comfort. On a real hot day it seems like this would be just the thing to do! I wonder what it feels like? I also wonder when I stopped being "cute" when I ran around naked. At what age isn't it cute any more? I'm long past caring about being cute, and what's wrong with a little creature comfort now and then? (I'm sure my neighbors would put their eyes out before they'd look in my back yard again!)
Climbing tall things--
This includes the retaining wall on the hillside, roof of the house, flag poles to touch the ball on top (inferior material causes them to sway more than I remember), the grade school roof to pop the tar bubbles, trees (air pollution must be making the branches weaker), stilts, the ladder, or anything taller than me. Gravity has become the biggest deterrent with anything I want to experience above ground level. Gravity and I used to be friends, but over the years we've developed this love/hate relationship. I love it that gravity keeps me from flying off into space, but gravity has been on this power trip with me for at least the last 30 years, demonstrating this from everything elevated but, thankfully, not the roof of the house. The backyard retaining wall, gravity and a shovel provided entertainment for our dog as I vaulted from the wall to the yard, temporarily supported by a shovel handle up my shorts. Result---black-n-blue from the hip to the knee and a persistent lump in my thigh to forever remind me of the unforgiving power of gravity. Perfectly good ladders have suddenly refused to support me and on several occasions (one, where gravity refereed my head butting contest with the garage door) I haven't even had to leave old terra firma to be put in my place -- the old familiar earth hugging position -- vertical to horizontal in an instant.
Sliding on the ice with your street shoes--
Even though snow and ice (except in your drink) should be avoided at all costs, when I find myself on a frozen body of water, it is almost impossible to keep from sliding on it (on purpose or otherwise). The amount of frozen water doesn't matter as long as I can get up enough speed prior to planting my feet to get a good slide. Since my last successful slide, ice has become noticeably slicker though. I've also noticed that there are certain gravitational anomalies that are associated with patches of ice, causing horizontal and vertical orientations to quickly reverse themselves. It is a little known scientific fact that ice strengthens gravity. Now that I think about it, the frozen puddle sliding of my youth usually resulted in my head bouncing off the ice after my street shoes were stopped abruptly by little gravel "rockbergs" embedded in the ice. Bouncing your head off ice too many times must affect your memory -- which would explain a lot of things.
Using any of the playground equipment--
I still like to swing and go down the slide, but they look at you like you shouldn't be doing it, especially if there are no little ones with you. As you get older, you're not allowed to have fun by yourself. Swings: Untying your shoes so that they can be kicked off at the highest point of the arc to see how far they will go, is now considered too dangerous to others on the playground. As I remember it, I was in more danger from those shoe missiles than anyone else because my arch enemy, gravity, would keep the shoe airborne until my return to the launch point. Leaping out of the swing at the shoe launching point also used to be fun. But, leaping is even out of the question by my standards now. The sudden stop upon landing has lost all of it's childish charm. Slide - summer time: In the hill-less area of my youth, the slide was the lone provider of downhill thrills. Many playground participants didn't want to use the slide after I'd made several preparatory runs on it. They didn't like how slick the slide becomes after you've gone down it several times sitting on some waxed paper. I hate a slow slide. The young ones really have a surprised look on their faces when they find themselves laying on the ground at the bottom of the slide looking up at the sky, a split second after letting go at the top. Slide - winter time: There wasn't much competition for the slide in the winter time when it was used as more of a ski (sled) slope. Even though it was metal to metal contact, the sled accelerated quite a bit before you were launched off the jumping end. The sled's old cast iron runners didn't even complain as they cleared the slide and dropped with a thud into the latest snowfall, gliding several yards to a stop. I think the gliding was only in our minds, with the total glide probably easier to measure in inches. Only a couple of runs were needed to decide that it was a lot easier on our bodies, and a longer run was possible if snow was piled up at the bottom to eliminate the jump portion. I'd love to take another run down that slide, summer or winter but, you can't find good wax paper in the playground trashcans now; and I'm sure today's sleds are too cheaply built to survive that drop with the couple of pounds I've put on since then. (Also see "avoiding ice and snow" above.) Merry-go-round: Some of the playground equipment has become pretty mean tempered and I now realize should be avoided at all costs. A few years ago, certain possessed playground equipment and natural forces combined to conspire against me. An unprovoked attack by a small merry-go-round, centrifugal force and gravity placed me into the "bottom of the slide, looking up at the sky, surprised position", while trying not to be knocked senseless by the menacing mad monster moving overhead. Gravity just keeps messing with my head. Who says inanimate things can't be evil! Merry, my foot!
Walking down the sidewalk with pop cans on your shoes (soda cans to you non-Midwesterners)--
Don't have a clue what I'm talking about, do you? If you stepped into the middle of an empty pop can with the middle of your shoe, it would crush and the top and bottom of the cans would wrap around the sole of your shoe, locking the can into that position. With one on each shoe, you can really make a lot of noise as you walk or run down the sidewalk. Or if you're more gracefully inclined, you can just do a little tap dance in one spot. I can just see and hear myself walking down the street now -- "clink, clunk, clinkity, clunk, clink, clunk" -- and the neighbors wondering what that crazy kid was up to this time. Present day aluminum cans don't make that beautiful sound and don't clamp as tightly as the old tin cans, falling off after a few steps. I've tried.
When I was a child, logos on shirts weren't as prevalent as they are today. To dress up our shirts, pop bottle caps were just the thing and the more the better. If the cork (yes, it was cork) was carefully pried out of the cap in one piece, with your trusty pocket knife -- the cap placed on the outside -- the cork wedged into the cap from the inside of your shirt---it would stay there until your mother removed it before washing (If not, it left a very noticeable rust ring.). When removed, they left these round nipple like protrusions all over your shirt. Nowadays, it's very difficult to get those beer bottle caps to stick to your shirt and your peers don't seem to be as impressed when you do get one to stick.
They just don't make things like they used to---or let you play with them either.
Gravity is hard to measure, but never gives up. Eventually we will all be pulled down into the earth.